When I catch myself, I do a 180

It's been a really long two weeks. Today was my third appointment with my doctor. It was allegedly some kind of turning point. He wanted to make sure I was "on board." I guess after reading my food log for 2 weeks and seeing that I'm actually listening to him, he realizes now that I'm on board. So maybe he's going to get more intense, which is kind of scary.

I've been reflecting over the past week how much I've changed within the last year and a half. When my Mom became a Weston A. Price chapter leader, I thought she had gone off her rocker. I thought there wasn't any way this kind of eating could be healthy, with all this fat. I was brainwashed by media and western medicine. I slowly started accepting it, little by little over the years. A year and a half ago, when I was without a job, I had no choice but to eat whatever she was cooking. I haven't turned back. But as I've said, I continued eating junk. Candy and coffee and alcohol. Overloading my body with toxins.

At first I was grossed out by real food. I mean, my Mom would be making stock with chicken heads. I was a prissy beauty school girl. Gross. When I first started eating it I thought everything was too greasy and gross. I slowly started dealing with it and being OK with it and eating it sometimes, but still eating the majority of my meals out. At the mall I worked at. Ugh. Talk about gross.

Now that I've fully given myself over, I can see the difference in my taste buds. When I go out to eat now, I notice that the food doesn't have any taste. We went to a diner for my Grandmother's birthday and I got grilled beef and vegetables. It literally had no taste. I dumped salt and pepper on it and even the salt and pepper had no taste. How can that be? It's fake. Fake food has no taste. Which is why they cover it up with MSG which causes neurological damage. Great. I'd rather just eat real food, thanks.

I told my doctor I'd like to be tested for food allergies. I only have been tested once in my life, when I was about 8 years old. Obviously my body has changed a lot in the last 20 years. He wants me to be more healed first. I complained that I still sleep half the day. He didn't seem too concerned. I guess it's normal.

Keep on keeping on

It's easy to be discouraged right now. I lost one of my jobs, simply because I am always exhausted and useless. I called out once, I flaked out once, and I tried to go in and realized I was too tired to do anything once I got there. On top of that, my Mom has been working really hard preparing meals and cleaning and cooking and whatnot, and I hardly ever help her because I'm too tired.

My doctor said my adrenals are trying to recover. My adrenals were weak to begin with, and the stress of dealing with asthma all through childhood stressed them out more. Then I put them through more stress by drinking tons of coffee for the last 15 years or so. My adrenals are finally being left alone so they can heal. This is why I've been so tired and I've been sleeping so much.

My Mom often tells a story about how I was covered in excema from head to toe when I was a baby. I was 6 months old and I was adjusted by a chiroprcator for the first time. As soon as he adjusted me I took a deep sigh and I fell asleep for 18 hours. When I woke up my skin was pink and starting to heal. When I was a little bit older I started having asthma attacks, which my parents didn't even recognize as asthma. They called it "breathing funny" - my breath would get shallow and fast. When I had an attack I would breathe funny and I would fall asleep and sleep for 18-20 hours, and then wake up and be fine.

This is obviously what's going on with me now. A state of recovery and healing where my body needs tons of sleep. It's scary to realize how sick I've actually been, and been in denial of. A lot of the sickness I had nothing to do with, I was born with it. But there's also sickness that I've given to myself by filling my body with toxins, again in denial of what these toxins were doing to me.

So this is all part of the "listening to my body" thing that I've been hearing people talk about and this is what I've been wanting to work towards. I used to be angry with myself for sleeping so much. I used to be angry if I couldn't accomplish 800 things in a day like "normal" people seem to do, that I get overwhelmed and need rest all the time. So I'm giving into that and giving my body what it's telling me I need. My connection to my body has really gotten better. I'm sorry that my body has had so much to deal with and fight against, and that I've made it worse. It's time for my body to be the winner.

My doctor gave me adrenal supplements. I'm waiting for them to kick in. I felt really good for about half the day today, then I crashed again.

Positive vision and sincere motivation

I saw the Dalai Lama on The Today Show this morning. "Positive vision and sincere motivation" is what we need in order to become better human beings, he said. I couldn't agree more, and I'm all about it.

I saw my doctor again today. He was very happy with my progress. He was extremely happy with my food log. I gave all the credit to my Mom, obviously. I've been so tired and out of it I haven't been able to help her in the kitchen at all. And besides that, I never would've known about real food if it weren't for her. She's been a Weston A. Price chapter leader for about 4 years and she's been bugging me to start eating more real food. I only started listening to her about a year and a half ago, and now I have completely given myself over to this way of life, so I owe it all to her.

My doctor was also very pleased with the change in my excema. That was one of my main complaints. I've always had excema come and go in different areas, but I've consistently had it on the inside of my elbows for about 5 years, and just within the last year I got a really bad patch on the inside of my right wrist. It gets inflamed from heat, exercise, sweat, stress, I don't even know what else. Sometimes I can't attribute it to anything, it just gets irritated. It gets painfully itchy, red, swollen, and sometimes bleeds. I try not to scratch it but I can't help it so I scratch, and of course it makes it worse. It's so constant that even if it calms down for a few days and I don't have any flare-ups, the skin itself is damaged. It's scaly and dry and flaky.

My doctor noticed my excema affected skin is more pink, less dry and flaky, and seems to be improving. It also feels softer to the touch, not scaly like lizard skin. I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I have times that the excema gets better for a few days at a time, then it gets bad again. Not that I don't believe I'm getting better or that I will get better, I'm just not sure that's what's happening right now. I'm not expecting results this quickly.

Signs of improvement

Apparently I feel somewhat decent every other day. It's a start, I can't complain.

I worked out again today (another Spinning class) which was great, but my legs were still a little sore from Sunday's class. Obviously, in more ways than one, I'm still building up strength.

I did something crazy today. I had a spoonful of my Mom's fresh homemade ice cream. She doesn't use any sugar in it, it's sweetened with maple syrup so I don't have to worry about that. Of course, I've been allergic to milk my whole life, so that's why this was crazy. I didn't just do it because of my new diet plan....it's only been 4 days, I know nothing's going to change that quickly. But I have been using ghee in most of my food for over a year now. This was because of a modified GAPs diet that I've been on, intending to get over my allergies.

Ghee was the beginning of healing my body so that it can handle lactose. After using ghee for about 6 months I started slowly adding goat and sheep milk products. Goat and sheep milk are lower in lactose than cow milk. I added things slowly; a little sheep cheese here, a little goat yogurt there. If anything caused a reaction I wouldn't eat it for a few weeks and then try again. Of course throughout this whole time I was taking probiotics to build up the flora in my gut.

I now tolerate any goat or sheep milk product incredibly well. I have goat or sheep cheese with pretty much every meal. I've realized recently that I need to start experimenting with cow milk products to see how much I can tolerate. I've sometimes had vegetables cooked in butter and the butter doesn't cause a reaction.

I sometimes sneak a tiny taste of ice cream when my Mom makes it. This is something I've only been doing for a few months. It's a big thing for me because milk has been the biggest thing for me to avoid my whole life. Not being allergic to it is so foreign to me. But I know I'll be there one day. So I actually took about a spoonful of ice cream today. I had the tiniest bit of an itch in my mouth and throat. It lasted about 30 seconds. That's it. I will slowly keep testing my tolerance like this.

I'm reading Gut and Psychology Syndrome right now and it's completely blowing my mind. It's very scientific and I'm not grasping it 100% but I'm understanding it on a basic level, and it's unbelievable. Unbelievably scary. Thankfully it has cute pictures to help me. Like this:

Isn't it cute? It's an enterocyte. These are cells that are found in the gut lining and these cells complete the digestive process and absorb the nutrients from food. The little circles on the sticking-up hairs are the actual digestive enzymes. There's also a drawing of a sick enterocyte but I don't want to show it to you because it's scary. It's giving me nightmares already. It's skinny and sad and has very few hairs with very few digestive enzymes on it.

So this is part of my new visualization technique. I am picturing these little guys lining my gut. Mine don't look like this right now. They are somewhere in between the sick and dying one and this. I will continue getting pribiotics into my gut to help my gut produce strong healthy enerocytes. I want them to be cute and healthy and happy like this one. When I drink kefir or take my probiotics I'm picturing this. 

I'm also talking to them. Yes, I'm talking to my gut lining. 

"If the gut flora is domaged, the best foods and supplements in the world may not have a good chance of being broken down and absorbed." 

- Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride MD 

How much sleep do I really need, anyway?

I've always been a low enery person. I've always slept a lot, and even with all my sleep I've never felt fully rested. I dragged through my days by pumping myself full of sugar and coffee.

The funny thing about my coffee addiction is that no matter how much coffee I ever drank, I was always still tired. The way I always described it to people is that the coffee didn't really give me energy, it just kept me from falling asleep.

Day 4 without coffee. For the second time I slept over 9 hours through the night, and then took a 2 1/2 hour nap during the day. This is nearly half my day. How am I getting anything done? I'm not.

I haven't been able to help my Mom with all the work that's been going into eating this way. I have had to call out of work. I am sleeping all the time, and I feel miserable. I feel useless. Mopey. Whiny. Angry.

I think today was the day it really sunk in. The last couple days were rough and I was tired and had a couple headaches, but I wasn't really upset. I was upset today. I started thinking about coffee all the time. I started missing it. I started wanting it. As I said, I have recently been going a day or two without coffee, but never three days. So after the 3 days it really hit me. I'm in mourning.

This is where positive thinking and prayer has really kept me going. I really have changed my way of thinking. When I start feeling bad and wanting something that I know is bad for me, I stop myself and remember what it's done to me. I think about how I was born with a weak liver and a weak immune system, and I think about making it stronger. I just tell myself that these toxins, these poisons, will take me backwards. I am forward thinking.

The first day of the rest of my life

I felt OK today. Not great. Almost good. Definitely not awful. OK.

I started the day with green tea, as opposed to the black tea I went with the last couple days. I also had my Vitamin B energy drink, and then worked out. Exercise needs to be a big part of my taking care of myself. I work at a gym, it should be really easy. But you know how it is when something is too convenient and easy - it makes it easier to blow it off. I've been working at the gym since October and I still haven't gotten into a habit of consistent workouts. This will change.

My gym recently started offering Spinning classes and I've done it a couple times and really liked it. I'm making an effort to take as many classes as I can.

There's something I find very meditative/spiritual about this form of exercise. I guess it's just getting into the rythm of pedaling the bike. I close my eyes and just listen to the music and pedal to the rythm and totally forget where I am. Which is good because I'm trapped in a room with a bunch of other sweaty women, not something I really want to be aware of.

I also tan when I'm at the gym and I spend those 12 minutes praying or meditating. It might sound weird but it makes perfect sense to me. It's literally the only time I'm completely alone and completely cut off from the world. No noises (besides the sound of the fan in the tanning bed) and no distractions.

I attribute this morning of exercise and spiritual renewal to my feeling well. The first couple days of withdrawal were rough. The little bit of the old me that's left was very discouraged and beginning to think none of this was worth the effort. But this little bit of quiet time I had to myself really helped me re-focus and remember the goal.

Being well. Being healthy. Being happy and fulfilled. I'm keeping my eye on the prize.

Temptation

"Happy is the man who doesn't give in and do wrong when he is tempted"

James 1:12

As if I didn't test myself enough yesterday, I forced myself to confront more temptation today. I got together with some girlfriends I hadn't seen in a while for a night of girl talk and movies. Of course this involves food.

We all know that social interactions almost always involve food. People get together and eat, it's just what we do. This has always been a challenge for me because of my food allergies. I'm allergic to milk (which includes butter and cheese and any other milk based food,) eggs, nuts, and seeds. So I'm used to always asking ingredients or reading ingredient labes and I'm used to avoiding things.

The thing was besides what I was allergic to, I never avoided any other foods. Literally. If I could eat it, I would. I was never really one to practice moderation, and that went for alcohol aso, which is also usually in attendance at social gatherings. Obviously none of this was good for my health, not to mention my waist line.

I went into this knowing I would be tempted. I brought something I had baked - rhubarb crumb bar - as my gift to the hostess, but I knew I would not be eating any of it. I brought myself a small sheep yogurt and a banana, just in case there was nothing I could snack on. Much to my delight my hostess was considerate of my allergies (though she wasn't aware of my new 2 day old diet) and the allergies of another friend and she made an effort to have heatlhy, non-allergy inducing food. There was fruit. There was popcorn. There were freshly baked kale chips. The kale chips were super delicious and surprisingly satisfying.

There were pretzels and pita bread, both of which I love and I can't currently eat because of grains/carbs/whatever. Those were hard to ignore. There was also the rhubarb crumb bar, which I had made before and which I know to be extremely delicious. But as I said yesterday, I have made the decision to do this, to not give in to these temptations that I know are dangerous to me. Which includes alcohol.

This was very difficult. I enjoy a nice drink or two. My alcohol comsumption has been a problem, because it's always done nothing but make me more depressed but at the time I think it's making me feel better. We all know the story. Of course I would never actually label it and say "I'm an alcoholic." I would stop drinking for a few weeks at a time or I would cut back a lot and have a period where I would be very moderate, and then I would drink too much too often again. Just very very bad habits. But even if I was being moderate, I would always have a glass of wine if it was being offered. No more.

My doctor said my liver is weak. I was probably born with a weak liver. My first thought was "I need to stop drinking." I will miss it, almost as much as I miss coffee, but I keep thinking about my liver. I keep thinking about all that it's been through and all that I've put it through - and for what? To have a little buzz? My mindset has suddenly shifted. Perhaps this is what they call growing up. I realize the price I'd pay in the long run is not worth the momentary high. Not anywhere near worth it.

I made it through the night without having any wine or rhubarb crumb bar or pretzels. I did feel like I was missing out a little bit, but I kept reminding myself why I was missing out. I know what's right for me and I need to remain strong in that. I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment for that.

Seriously, no coffee.

What a day to be my first coffee-free, sugar-free day. Because I'm in school, I don't work a lot, but I have two part time jobs. Fridays I work both my jobs. I get up at 5am to work my 6 hour shift at the gym, and I work in the afternoon/evening for a Mother of 2 doing general household cleaning/help. I sometimes have special orders for baked goods also.

Today I had 3 jobs - gym in the morning, then finish up cupcakes for an order, then household help job. All this with no coffee.

In the past few months, I guess I had some kind of intuition to start weening myself off coffee. I would go a day or even two without drinking any coffee. But I would usually do it on a day that I didn't have work or class. I would also supplement the coffee with diet soda.

On top of the challenges of this busy day with no coffee, I had to frost the cupcakes that I had made the previous day. Cupcakes. When I've just given up sugar.

I'm so thankful that I can still have caffeine in the form of tea. I also drink an energy drink that's sugar free and is loaded with B Vitamins, but it has other artificial ingredients. It's gonna have to be OK for now, though, just to help me through this withdrawal. So black tea was my best friend this morning. I worked out a little bit which I'm sure helped my energy levels. I made it through, I didn't even have a headache! I felt a little jittery sometimes, and restless. Weird. All the coffee I drank never gave me the jitters.

Frosting cupcakes was difficult. The sweet smell of butter and sugar and vanilla was hard to ignore, but I just have to keep telling myself this is for my health. I am the most indecisive person you could ever meet, but once I do make up my mind, I'm impossible to budge. Once I told myself that this was for the better, once I made the decision to change my life, it just wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Frosting got all over my hands, and I almost licked it off, just out of habit, but I stopped myself. And that was it, it didn't bother me anymore.

I took a 20 minute power nap in between jobs but by late afternoon I was feeling the effects of a lack of coffee. My head was all foggy. I was very confused. I kept dropping things. But you know what? I did it. I made it through. I pushed through my lack of energy and I fulfilled all my obligations, and it was pretty encouraging.

I guess I really tired out my poor, weak adrenals, becuase I slept nearly 10 hours that night.

Turning point

Today was the turning point. I was in the doctor's office and he asked me if I wanted to feel well. I cried. I couldn't imagine actually feeling well.

Sure, I'd had times in my life where I felt OK, where I was just getting by, just making it through. But I've never actually felt well. I almost said "no" to recovery. I had listened to his speech about sugar being poison, the damages of too much coffee, things I already knew but was in denial of. I knew I needed to change, I just didn't want to, and I remembered how I used to work 14 hour long days pumped full of candy and coffee, and I thought I felt fine. Can't I just go back to that, and not think about the damage that was doing to me?

Of course, those 14 hour days, even though I always made it through them, were not that great. My Mom reminded me of the panic attacks I used to get, the anger and depression I felt, the lack of fulfillment. I worked in retail management - a fancy way to say I worked in the mall. Can you imagine what being in a mall every day does to your nervous system? Over the couple years I worked in malls I noticed myself feeling more sensitive to sound and to crowds. I sometimes had to hide in the back room at my store because I was so overwhelmed by the noise I just couldn't bear to be there.

This was the reason I left work, decided on bettering myself with a higher education, and found myself at home a lot, giving me a great chance to really get to know myself and what I wanted. I started this path of recovery then, about a year ago, by changing most of my eating habits. Eating out less, eating home-cooked meals of real food more often. I started learning to cook. I slowly started feeling better; less depressed, more energy, and basically enjoying life more.

I realized when the doctor asked me if I wanted to feel well, the answer was "yes." I have been working towards it; I have made many small changes over the last year, and now was no time to turn back. How could I ignore all the knowledge I now have? Now is the time to change. I had to say yes, to choose life.

I sure will miss coffee.