Today was the turning point. I was in the doctor's office and he asked me if I wanted to feel well. I cried. I couldn't imagine actually feeling well.
Sure, I'd had times in my life where I felt OK, where I was just getting by, just making it through. But I've never actually felt well. I almost said "no" to recovery. I had listened to his speech about sugar being poison, the damages of too much coffee, things I already knew but was in denial of. I knew I needed to change, I just didn't want to, and I remembered how I used to work 14 hour long days pumped full of candy and coffee, and I thought I felt fine. Can't I just go back to that, and not think about the damage that was doing to me?
Of course, those 14 hour days, even though I always made it through them, were not that great. My Mom reminded me of the panic attacks I used to get, the anger and depression I felt, the lack of fulfillment. I worked in retail management - a fancy way to say I worked in the mall. Can you imagine what being in a mall every day does to your nervous system? Over the couple years I worked in malls I noticed myself feeling more sensitive to sound and to crowds. I sometimes had to hide in the back room at my store because I was so overwhelmed by the noise I just couldn't bear to be there.
This was the reason I left work, decided on bettering myself with a higher education, and found myself at home a lot, giving me a great chance to really get to know myself and what I wanted. I started this path of recovery then, about a year ago, by changing most of my eating habits. Eating out less, eating home-cooked meals of real food more often. I started learning to cook. I slowly started feeling better; less depressed, more energy, and basically enjoying life more.
I realized when the doctor asked me if I wanted to feel well, the answer was "yes." I have been working towards it; I have made many small changes over the last year, and now was no time to turn back. How could I ignore all the knowledge I now have? Now is the time to change. I had to say yes, to choose life.
I sure will miss coffee.
Wow. Imagine almost saying "no". I know what you mean. Feeling sick and uncomfortable have been so familiar to me it's hard to imagine feeling well. I hope you continue to blossom into health so we can learn as you go. I've added you to my blog roll.
ReplyDeleteI hear you exactly. Luckily you and I are still young, the best time for us to switch our habits and life.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed myself over the last several years my body slowly breaking down...my joints and my bones hurt, I've gained a fair amount of weight compared to what I used to weigh, my hair has thinned, and I still get those pesky migraines from when I was a teenager.
It's about time we take control. But don't forget to enjoy life :)