A day at the beach

What's better than a day at the beach? Probably nothing. The part I always hated about a beach day was coming home. I couldn't deal with being so exhausted. I felt completely drained, like I had sweated out every bit of energy and nutrition from my body.

Yesterday was my first beach day of the year. Getting myself ready to go was more of a challenge than in the past. Well, going anywhere is more challenging these days. Understanding how nutrient empty "outside" food is, it's easier to just avoid spending much time going out. If I'm going to the mall I know I can't just stop at the food court if I get a bit hungry, so I have to bring snacks. I always have to think about when I will get hungry and when I will eat. Annoying, but as I'm finding, well worth it.

I packed quite a bit of food for the beach. I chopped up goat cheese into cubes, I had some salami and some hot dogs (my packaged food splurge, but they are hot dogs from grass-fed beef and have no nitrates or preservatives or flavorings), a couple small sheep yogurts, and tons of fresh fruit. Lots of watermelon. I even brought a bottle of water kefir.

My other dilemma was what to put on my skin. I won't use SPF because I don't want to block the rays of the sun - that's where I get my Vitamin D. I usually never did use SPF anyway, but I would usually use a tanning lotion that would help me tan more. But I knew that would be loaded with chemicals and I couldn't do that to my liver. My Mom suggested coconut oil. I went with it. It was messy because in the heat it melted to a liquid and it's hard not to pour it all over the place. But it sure does smell good.

The beach was beautiful. Eating fresh watermelon on the beach was amazing. The simple pleasure of it was unbelievable. I've removed so many modern "luxuries" from my life and have found that these kinds of simple pleasures are so much more enjoyable.

What I didn't expect was the change in how I would feel after the beach. It didn't occur to me that the way I used to feel was wrong. Until I got home and felt amazing. I was full of energy. I felt amazingly happy and fulfilled. It was different than just feeling good after relaxing all day. It was more complete and deep. I have been having a very deep fulfillment when I eat right and do things that are good for me. I can just feel my body saying, yes, this is the way it's supposed to be.

My doctor said that because my diet has a lot of cholesterol in it, when I exposed myself to UV rays my body created Vitamin D. Makes sense. Once again, the way it was all created to work together. My doctor has also suggested adding more sea salt to my diet for energy. The sea salt does something to encourage the adrenal glands. I guess breathing in the sea air also helped my energy levels.

It's too bad I can't start every day by laying in the sun for 4 hours.

My Real Food anniversary

I've been wearing glasses since I was in first grade. I got contact lenses for the first time when I was 16. I remember being so amazed at how much clearer everything was, and I didn't have those blurry spots that went beyond the frames of my glasses. Everything was clear, everywhere I looked.

In a figurative sense, I've been feeling like this recently. I've been doing tons of reading about health; books, blogs, articles, whatever I can get my hands on. Not only that but I've recently had somewhat of a spiritual re-awakening that I cannot separate from my health journey. They go hand-in-hand. Everywhere I look, everything is clear. Everything is making sense and fitting together.

I really gave myself over to this way of eating about a year ago, when I visited the Amish farm where we get most of our food from. The farmer hosts a customer appreciation day once a year. I was mostly on the real food bandwagon when I went to the farm last year, but I had not had the epiphany I needed until I saw the farm and met the farmer and his family. There was something about the Amish people and something about the food that made everything click in my mind. Everything seemed clear.

I had been feeling the need to be closer to God, and in the Amish I saw an amazing closeness. Of course we can all worship in different ways and call it different things, but isn't the spirit behind it always the same? I saw in them the pure pleasure they got from doing what they considered to be God's calling for them. All the work they do is blessed and is a blessing to God. Nothing was more clear than that, and I realized the importance of following the natural order that God intended.

So this was sort of my anniversary. I visited the farm again this year, exactly a year later. I am much more involved in my food sources and I am much closer to God, but I also know how much further I still have to go. It's inspiring. It feels so wonderful to be eating food in its most natural state, the way God intended. I can literally feel my health improving, which I have never experienced before. I want to do all that I can to continue living this way and helping others live this way and eat this way. I can't imagine any other way to live now.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Then God said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food. Genesis 1:27-29

Your health: priceless

Wal-Mart commercials make me laugh. "We save people money so they can live better" and then they talk about all the great deals they have on horrible overprocessed food that's killing you. Sure, your cereal and your soda are super cheap but what are they doing to your body?

This topic has been weighing heavily on my mind recently. I've been talking up local farm food to people, from friends to fellow students. The number one objection is the price. It got me thinking. Is there a price on your health?

I've worked in stores selling epxensive salon-quality hair products and expensive designer bags. My selling line when people always complained about price was: you get what you pay for. Shell out some extra money for a nicer bag or pair of shoes, they will last you longer and you don't have to replace them every month. If you're going to buy the cheap stuff, the cheaper ingredients are going to damage your hair. Isn't it worth spending the extra money for a high quality product?

Food is no different, and I have to say it's even more important than hair or handbags. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. What could be more important than taking care of our own bodies?

I've gained so much clarity in the last few weeks. I've been feeling so much better and having so much more energy and getting so much done. It's made me realize how important it really is to be healthy. I'm at a point in my life where I'm still not worrying about the grocery bill - my parents are nice enough to do that for me. I'm a student and I only work one day a week, I can't really contribute much right now. But I have no doubt that when I'm working again or when I'm out on my own, I will have no problem spending money on real food. I'd much rather have food that nourishes me and makes me strong and healthy than any handbag or any of the crap I used to spend all my money on.

I could do a cheesy Mastercard commercial spoof. List prices of grass-fed beef and local vegetables. But it's really been overdone, hasn't it? But seriously, your health really is priceless.

Read this article also. It's good. Joel Salatin rocks.

It's all happening

The last few days have been really encouraging. I'm feeling better and finally feeling more useful around the house.

I've noticed that the days I feel good are the days I exercise. No surprise, really. I just have to keep that in mind when I wake up and I don't feel like getting out of bed, or doing anything at all. If I just push myself to get up and work out I will feel better the rest of the day. I've worked out 3 days this week, which is the best I've done in years. If I can keep that up consistently I think I'll feel a lot better overall.

I've been working with my Mom in the kitchen a ton lately. It's one thing for me to just help her with dishes or whatnot while she's working in the kitchen, but it's another thing to actually be involved and learning the whole process. I'm learning so much. Cooking, prepping, planning, and I'm finally learning how to make kombucha and kefir. I spent a solid 2 hours in the kitchen on Saturday and 3-4 hours on Sunday.

I started my own brew of water kefir. I drank nearly a quart of water kefir on Saturday and that's when I got my insane energy burst that fueled my 2 hour cooking sprint. I realized then that I had found the replacement for the diet soda I used to be addicted to. I plan on bringing water kefir to class with me instead of soda now. It should be helpful if any of my professors are too boring. Now I won't fall asleep.

My Mom and I made fermented ketchup from a Nourishing Traditions recipe. She had been getting a fermented ketchup that she really liked but it had whey in it, which I have always been allergic to. I've eaten a couple bites of it and not had a reaction, I think I might be OK with whey now, but I still don't want to rush anything. So anyway we made our own whey from a sheep yogurt I had, and then we made our own ketchup with that whey. It is so delicious. I love it. I've always loved ketchup, but I'm talking the crappy processed Heinz kind full of high fructose corn syrup. I switched to Heinz organic which is slightly better, but nothing like real, homemade, fermented stuff. Can't get much better than that. And I love it on everything. Seriously. Everything. So good.

Good and bad things

I had a great day last Friday. True to pattern, I then had a horrible day on Saturday. I was tired and cranky and miserable. All I could think about all day was Starbucks soy lattes.

I feel like a junkie sometimes. Like a recovering crackhead, or at least an alcoholic. When things get really bad all I think about is going to Starbucks, like an alcoholic thinking the bar is the only solution.

But I'm happy to report I've been seeing glimmers of hope. Like I said, Friday was good. I almost went to hang out with some friends, which I haven't done in a while, but I was afraid I'd push myself. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope. It's such an insanely delicate balance that I don't want to do anything that would push me over the edge. I'm not about to overdo anything.

I've noticed some major differences in the last week. My body seems to be reacting more...normally. I actually had a drop in blood sugar and got really lightheaded and fuzzy. I had always heard people talk about when they get really hungry they "can't think" and I had never experienced anything like that. I now believe that I was on a constant sugar high so my body never got to that point. Well it happened. My blood sugar got low, I got really hungry, and I couldn't think. I was spaced out and confused. It was really weird. I was at the grocery store, and as soon as I saw some candy I wanted it and I knew I was in trouble so I left. Again, like a junkie.

I, also for the first time, got a little bit of a buzz from drinking kombucha. My Mom's been making kombucha for years. I've never really liked it much, I was usually always grossed out by it, but I would drink a little bit sometimes. Obviously, with my tastes changing so much recently, I've started liking it. But so many people have always said kombucha gives them a little bit of a buzz, almost like alcohol. I never got that. Probably because my tolerance was too high from drinking too much. Well, that's no longer an issue. I think it's been just about a month since I've had a drink, but I can't actually remember exactly when it was. Now my new buzz is kombucha and water kefir. That's another new thing. I love water kefir. I drank a lot of it instead of beer on Memorial Day. And best of all, no hangover!

I've also noticed a change in my appetite. It could just be the warm weather, that usually happens. But it could also be the quality of food I'm eating. You don't need as much real food. You can't even force yourself to overeat it. It's the strangest thing. You eat as much as you need and that's it, you don't want anymore. It also has been keeping me sustained longer. It's pretty amazing.

Good things

I'm going to go out on a limb and say today is the best that I've felt since I started my recovery. It's been two weeks and a day. I think I'm getting the hang of it. I've found some black teas that I enjoy almost as much as coffee. I don't get the same enjoyment as I did from my beloved Starbucks lattes, but I can live with it.

I really like Celestial Seasonsings Morning Thunder, and I usually mix it with Roastaroma. I like the taste of the Roastaroma on its own but it doesn't have caffiene, so I mix it with the Morning Thunder which has the caffiene but the flavor isn't as rich. So this way I get both, and it gets a nice bold, rich flavor that is almost like coffee. I also have been drinking Dandy Blend which I like a lot. It tastes the most like coffee, but it doesn't have caffiene so I mix it with black tea. And the dandelion is good for my liver.

Today I did discover an issue with my tea habit. I've been using a coconut milk coffee creamer in my tea. It's french vanilla flavor. I like the sweetness. I am used to using tons of sugar or agave in my coffee or tea. I had read the ingredients of the creamer before and I somehow missed the "organic evaporated cane juice" listed on it. Maybe I was just fooling myself into thinking it was OK to drink it. But no, organic evaporated cane juice is SUGAR. Do not be fooled. There's also guar gum and xanthan gum in it which I know I shouldn't have because they are too processed and they are made from corn. No good. There's also natural flavoring in it, which is also no good.

But y'know, it's literally the one packaged, processed food I eat. I am drinking a lot of tea so I guess it adds up, but probably only to about 5 tablespoons of it a day. It's really not a lot. I'm not going to drive myself crazy about it now. I'm going to try to use the plain flavor instead of the french vanilla flavor, and see if I can get used to less sweetness. I'm sure my taste buds will adjust.

Anyway. I was talking about how my day was, wasn't I? Yes. I had work this morning, and although I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, I actually woke up (at 5AM, no less) perfectly refreshed and ready to go. I'm not sure that's ever happened to me. I felt good all through my shift at work, even though I was bored most of the time. I kept myself occupied. I walked on the treadmill for an hour, broken up into a 20 minute walk and 40 minute walk. I jogged a little bit. It was good. I got some stuff done when I got home, then I took a nap. Usually when I wake up from my naps I am still groggy and crabby and mean. I woke up and I was fine. Awake and alert and ready to continue my day.

So this is a taste of how I will fell all the time. Once my body is healthy and has gotten rid of all the built up toxins, this is what I have to look forward to. I like it.

When I catch myself, I do a 180

It's been a really long two weeks. Today was my third appointment with my doctor. It was allegedly some kind of turning point. He wanted to make sure I was "on board." I guess after reading my food log for 2 weeks and seeing that I'm actually listening to him, he realizes now that I'm on board. So maybe he's going to get more intense, which is kind of scary.

I've been reflecting over the past week how much I've changed within the last year and a half. When my Mom became a Weston A. Price chapter leader, I thought she had gone off her rocker. I thought there wasn't any way this kind of eating could be healthy, with all this fat. I was brainwashed by media and western medicine. I slowly started accepting it, little by little over the years. A year and a half ago, when I was without a job, I had no choice but to eat whatever she was cooking. I haven't turned back. But as I've said, I continued eating junk. Candy and coffee and alcohol. Overloading my body with toxins.

At first I was grossed out by real food. I mean, my Mom would be making stock with chicken heads. I was a prissy beauty school girl. Gross. When I first started eating it I thought everything was too greasy and gross. I slowly started dealing with it and being OK with it and eating it sometimes, but still eating the majority of my meals out. At the mall I worked at. Ugh. Talk about gross.

Now that I've fully given myself over, I can see the difference in my taste buds. When I go out to eat now, I notice that the food doesn't have any taste. We went to a diner for my Grandmother's birthday and I got grilled beef and vegetables. It literally had no taste. I dumped salt and pepper on it and even the salt and pepper had no taste. How can that be? It's fake. Fake food has no taste. Which is why they cover it up with MSG which causes neurological damage. Great. I'd rather just eat real food, thanks.

I told my doctor I'd like to be tested for food allergies. I only have been tested once in my life, when I was about 8 years old. Obviously my body has changed a lot in the last 20 years. He wants me to be more healed first. I complained that I still sleep half the day. He didn't seem too concerned. I guess it's normal.

Keep on keeping on

It's easy to be discouraged right now. I lost one of my jobs, simply because I am always exhausted and useless. I called out once, I flaked out once, and I tried to go in and realized I was too tired to do anything once I got there. On top of that, my Mom has been working really hard preparing meals and cleaning and cooking and whatnot, and I hardly ever help her because I'm too tired.

My doctor said my adrenals are trying to recover. My adrenals were weak to begin with, and the stress of dealing with asthma all through childhood stressed them out more. Then I put them through more stress by drinking tons of coffee for the last 15 years or so. My adrenals are finally being left alone so they can heal. This is why I've been so tired and I've been sleeping so much.

My Mom often tells a story about how I was covered in excema from head to toe when I was a baby. I was 6 months old and I was adjusted by a chiroprcator for the first time. As soon as he adjusted me I took a deep sigh and I fell asleep for 18 hours. When I woke up my skin was pink and starting to heal. When I was a little bit older I started having asthma attacks, which my parents didn't even recognize as asthma. They called it "breathing funny" - my breath would get shallow and fast. When I had an attack I would breathe funny and I would fall asleep and sleep for 18-20 hours, and then wake up and be fine.

This is obviously what's going on with me now. A state of recovery and healing where my body needs tons of sleep. It's scary to realize how sick I've actually been, and been in denial of. A lot of the sickness I had nothing to do with, I was born with it. But there's also sickness that I've given to myself by filling my body with toxins, again in denial of what these toxins were doing to me.

So this is all part of the "listening to my body" thing that I've been hearing people talk about and this is what I've been wanting to work towards. I used to be angry with myself for sleeping so much. I used to be angry if I couldn't accomplish 800 things in a day like "normal" people seem to do, that I get overwhelmed and need rest all the time. So I'm giving into that and giving my body what it's telling me I need. My connection to my body has really gotten better. I'm sorry that my body has had so much to deal with and fight against, and that I've made it worse. It's time for my body to be the winner.

My doctor gave me adrenal supplements. I'm waiting for them to kick in. I felt really good for about half the day today, then I crashed again.

Positive vision and sincere motivation

I saw the Dalai Lama on The Today Show this morning. "Positive vision and sincere motivation" is what we need in order to become better human beings, he said. I couldn't agree more, and I'm all about it.

I saw my doctor again today. He was very happy with my progress. He was extremely happy with my food log. I gave all the credit to my Mom, obviously. I've been so tired and out of it I haven't been able to help her in the kitchen at all. And besides that, I never would've known about real food if it weren't for her. She's been a Weston A. Price chapter leader for about 4 years and she's been bugging me to start eating more real food. I only started listening to her about a year and a half ago, and now I have completely given myself over to this way of life, so I owe it all to her.

My doctor was also very pleased with the change in my excema. That was one of my main complaints. I've always had excema come and go in different areas, but I've consistently had it on the inside of my elbows for about 5 years, and just within the last year I got a really bad patch on the inside of my right wrist. It gets inflamed from heat, exercise, sweat, stress, I don't even know what else. Sometimes I can't attribute it to anything, it just gets irritated. It gets painfully itchy, red, swollen, and sometimes bleeds. I try not to scratch it but I can't help it so I scratch, and of course it makes it worse. It's so constant that even if it calms down for a few days and I don't have any flare-ups, the skin itself is damaged. It's scaly and dry and flaky.

My doctor noticed my excema affected skin is more pink, less dry and flaky, and seems to be improving. It also feels softer to the touch, not scaly like lizard skin. I'm not getting my hopes up too much. I have times that the excema gets better for a few days at a time, then it gets bad again. Not that I don't believe I'm getting better or that I will get better, I'm just not sure that's what's happening right now. I'm not expecting results this quickly.

Signs of improvement

Apparently I feel somewhat decent every other day. It's a start, I can't complain.

I worked out again today (another Spinning class) which was great, but my legs were still a little sore from Sunday's class. Obviously, in more ways than one, I'm still building up strength.

I did something crazy today. I had a spoonful of my Mom's fresh homemade ice cream. She doesn't use any sugar in it, it's sweetened with maple syrup so I don't have to worry about that. Of course, I've been allergic to milk my whole life, so that's why this was crazy. I didn't just do it because of my new diet plan....it's only been 4 days, I know nothing's going to change that quickly. But I have been using ghee in most of my food for over a year now. This was because of a modified GAPs diet that I've been on, intending to get over my allergies.

Ghee was the beginning of healing my body so that it can handle lactose. After using ghee for about 6 months I started slowly adding goat and sheep milk products. Goat and sheep milk are lower in lactose than cow milk. I added things slowly; a little sheep cheese here, a little goat yogurt there. If anything caused a reaction I wouldn't eat it for a few weeks and then try again. Of course throughout this whole time I was taking probiotics to build up the flora in my gut.

I now tolerate any goat or sheep milk product incredibly well. I have goat or sheep cheese with pretty much every meal. I've realized recently that I need to start experimenting with cow milk products to see how much I can tolerate. I've sometimes had vegetables cooked in butter and the butter doesn't cause a reaction.

I sometimes sneak a tiny taste of ice cream when my Mom makes it. This is something I've only been doing for a few months. It's a big thing for me because milk has been the biggest thing for me to avoid my whole life. Not being allergic to it is so foreign to me. But I know I'll be there one day. So I actually took about a spoonful of ice cream today. I had the tiniest bit of an itch in my mouth and throat. It lasted about 30 seconds. That's it. I will slowly keep testing my tolerance like this.

I'm reading Gut and Psychology Syndrome right now and it's completely blowing my mind. It's very scientific and I'm not grasping it 100% but I'm understanding it on a basic level, and it's unbelievable. Unbelievably scary. Thankfully it has cute pictures to help me. Like this:

Isn't it cute? It's an enterocyte. These are cells that are found in the gut lining and these cells complete the digestive process and absorb the nutrients from food. The little circles on the sticking-up hairs are the actual digestive enzymes. There's also a drawing of a sick enterocyte but I don't want to show it to you because it's scary. It's giving me nightmares already. It's skinny and sad and has very few hairs with very few digestive enzymes on it.

So this is part of my new visualization technique. I am picturing these little guys lining my gut. Mine don't look like this right now. They are somewhere in between the sick and dying one and this. I will continue getting pribiotics into my gut to help my gut produce strong healthy enerocytes. I want them to be cute and healthy and happy like this one. When I drink kefir or take my probiotics I'm picturing this. 

I'm also talking to them. Yes, I'm talking to my gut lining. 

"If the gut flora is domaged, the best foods and supplements in the world may not have a good chance of being broken down and absorbed." 

- Gut and Psychology Syndrome by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride MD 

How much sleep do I really need, anyway?

I've always been a low enery person. I've always slept a lot, and even with all my sleep I've never felt fully rested. I dragged through my days by pumping myself full of sugar and coffee.

The funny thing about my coffee addiction is that no matter how much coffee I ever drank, I was always still tired. The way I always described it to people is that the coffee didn't really give me energy, it just kept me from falling asleep.

Day 4 without coffee. For the second time I slept over 9 hours through the night, and then took a 2 1/2 hour nap during the day. This is nearly half my day. How am I getting anything done? I'm not.

I haven't been able to help my Mom with all the work that's been going into eating this way. I have had to call out of work. I am sleeping all the time, and I feel miserable. I feel useless. Mopey. Whiny. Angry.

I think today was the day it really sunk in. The last couple days were rough and I was tired and had a couple headaches, but I wasn't really upset. I was upset today. I started thinking about coffee all the time. I started missing it. I started wanting it. As I said, I have recently been going a day or two without coffee, but never three days. So after the 3 days it really hit me. I'm in mourning.

This is where positive thinking and prayer has really kept me going. I really have changed my way of thinking. When I start feeling bad and wanting something that I know is bad for me, I stop myself and remember what it's done to me. I think about how I was born with a weak liver and a weak immune system, and I think about making it stronger. I just tell myself that these toxins, these poisons, will take me backwards. I am forward thinking.

The first day of the rest of my life

I felt OK today. Not great. Almost good. Definitely not awful. OK.

I started the day with green tea, as opposed to the black tea I went with the last couple days. I also had my Vitamin B energy drink, and then worked out. Exercise needs to be a big part of my taking care of myself. I work at a gym, it should be really easy. But you know how it is when something is too convenient and easy - it makes it easier to blow it off. I've been working at the gym since October and I still haven't gotten into a habit of consistent workouts. This will change.

My gym recently started offering Spinning classes and I've done it a couple times and really liked it. I'm making an effort to take as many classes as I can.

There's something I find very meditative/spiritual about this form of exercise. I guess it's just getting into the rythm of pedaling the bike. I close my eyes and just listen to the music and pedal to the rythm and totally forget where I am. Which is good because I'm trapped in a room with a bunch of other sweaty women, not something I really want to be aware of.

I also tan when I'm at the gym and I spend those 12 minutes praying or meditating. It might sound weird but it makes perfect sense to me. It's literally the only time I'm completely alone and completely cut off from the world. No noises (besides the sound of the fan in the tanning bed) and no distractions.

I attribute this morning of exercise and spiritual renewal to my feeling well. The first couple days of withdrawal were rough. The little bit of the old me that's left was very discouraged and beginning to think none of this was worth the effort. But this little bit of quiet time I had to myself really helped me re-focus and remember the goal.

Being well. Being healthy. Being happy and fulfilled. I'm keeping my eye on the prize.

Temptation

"Happy is the man who doesn't give in and do wrong when he is tempted"

James 1:12

As if I didn't test myself enough yesterday, I forced myself to confront more temptation today. I got together with some girlfriends I hadn't seen in a while for a night of girl talk and movies. Of course this involves food.

We all know that social interactions almost always involve food. People get together and eat, it's just what we do. This has always been a challenge for me because of my food allergies. I'm allergic to milk (which includes butter and cheese and any other milk based food,) eggs, nuts, and seeds. So I'm used to always asking ingredients or reading ingredient labes and I'm used to avoiding things.

The thing was besides what I was allergic to, I never avoided any other foods. Literally. If I could eat it, I would. I was never really one to practice moderation, and that went for alcohol aso, which is also usually in attendance at social gatherings. Obviously none of this was good for my health, not to mention my waist line.

I went into this knowing I would be tempted. I brought something I had baked - rhubarb crumb bar - as my gift to the hostess, but I knew I would not be eating any of it. I brought myself a small sheep yogurt and a banana, just in case there was nothing I could snack on. Much to my delight my hostess was considerate of my allergies (though she wasn't aware of my new 2 day old diet) and the allergies of another friend and she made an effort to have heatlhy, non-allergy inducing food. There was fruit. There was popcorn. There were freshly baked kale chips. The kale chips were super delicious and surprisingly satisfying.

There were pretzels and pita bread, both of which I love and I can't currently eat because of grains/carbs/whatever. Those were hard to ignore. There was also the rhubarb crumb bar, which I had made before and which I know to be extremely delicious. But as I said yesterday, I have made the decision to do this, to not give in to these temptations that I know are dangerous to me. Which includes alcohol.

This was very difficult. I enjoy a nice drink or two. My alcohol comsumption has been a problem, because it's always done nothing but make me more depressed but at the time I think it's making me feel better. We all know the story. Of course I would never actually label it and say "I'm an alcoholic." I would stop drinking for a few weeks at a time or I would cut back a lot and have a period where I would be very moderate, and then I would drink too much too often again. Just very very bad habits. But even if I was being moderate, I would always have a glass of wine if it was being offered. No more.

My doctor said my liver is weak. I was probably born with a weak liver. My first thought was "I need to stop drinking." I will miss it, almost as much as I miss coffee, but I keep thinking about my liver. I keep thinking about all that it's been through and all that I've put it through - and for what? To have a little buzz? My mindset has suddenly shifted. Perhaps this is what they call growing up. I realize the price I'd pay in the long run is not worth the momentary high. Not anywhere near worth it.

I made it through the night without having any wine or rhubarb crumb bar or pretzels. I did feel like I was missing out a little bit, but I kept reminding myself why I was missing out. I know what's right for me and I need to remain strong in that. I felt an incredible sense of accomplishment for that.

Seriously, no coffee.

What a day to be my first coffee-free, sugar-free day. Because I'm in school, I don't work a lot, but I have two part time jobs. Fridays I work both my jobs. I get up at 5am to work my 6 hour shift at the gym, and I work in the afternoon/evening for a Mother of 2 doing general household cleaning/help. I sometimes have special orders for baked goods also.

Today I had 3 jobs - gym in the morning, then finish up cupcakes for an order, then household help job. All this with no coffee.

In the past few months, I guess I had some kind of intuition to start weening myself off coffee. I would go a day or even two without drinking any coffee. But I would usually do it on a day that I didn't have work or class. I would also supplement the coffee with diet soda.

On top of the challenges of this busy day with no coffee, I had to frost the cupcakes that I had made the previous day. Cupcakes. When I've just given up sugar.

I'm so thankful that I can still have caffeine in the form of tea. I also drink an energy drink that's sugar free and is loaded with B Vitamins, but it has other artificial ingredients. It's gonna have to be OK for now, though, just to help me through this withdrawal. So black tea was my best friend this morning. I worked out a little bit which I'm sure helped my energy levels. I made it through, I didn't even have a headache! I felt a little jittery sometimes, and restless. Weird. All the coffee I drank never gave me the jitters.

Frosting cupcakes was difficult. The sweet smell of butter and sugar and vanilla was hard to ignore, but I just have to keep telling myself this is for my health. I am the most indecisive person you could ever meet, but once I do make up my mind, I'm impossible to budge. Once I told myself that this was for the better, once I made the decision to change my life, it just wasn't as hard as I thought it'd be. Frosting got all over my hands, and I almost licked it off, just out of habit, but I stopped myself. And that was it, it didn't bother me anymore.

I took a 20 minute power nap in between jobs but by late afternoon I was feeling the effects of a lack of coffee. My head was all foggy. I was very confused. I kept dropping things. But you know what? I did it. I made it through. I pushed through my lack of energy and I fulfilled all my obligations, and it was pretty encouraging.

I guess I really tired out my poor, weak adrenals, becuase I slept nearly 10 hours that night.

Turning point

Today was the turning point. I was in the doctor's office and he asked me if I wanted to feel well. I cried. I couldn't imagine actually feeling well.

Sure, I'd had times in my life where I felt OK, where I was just getting by, just making it through. But I've never actually felt well. I almost said "no" to recovery. I had listened to his speech about sugar being poison, the damages of too much coffee, things I already knew but was in denial of. I knew I needed to change, I just didn't want to, and I remembered how I used to work 14 hour long days pumped full of candy and coffee, and I thought I felt fine. Can't I just go back to that, and not think about the damage that was doing to me?

Of course, those 14 hour days, even though I always made it through them, were not that great. My Mom reminded me of the panic attacks I used to get, the anger and depression I felt, the lack of fulfillment. I worked in retail management - a fancy way to say I worked in the mall. Can you imagine what being in a mall every day does to your nervous system? Over the couple years I worked in malls I noticed myself feeling more sensitive to sound and to crowds. I sometimes had to hide in the back room at my store because I was so overwhelmed by the noise I just couldn't bear to be there.

This was the reason I left work, decided on bettering myself with a higher education, and found myself at home a lot, giving me a great chance to really get to know myself and what I wanted. I started this path of recovery then, about a year ago, by changing most of my eating habits. Eating out less, eating home-cooked meals of real food more often. I started learning to cook. I slowly started feeling better; less depressed, more energy, and basically enjoying life more.

I realized when the doctor asked me if I wanted to feel well, the answer was "yes." I have been working towards it; I have made many small changes over the last year, and now was no time to turn back. How could I ignore all the knowledge I now have? Now is the time to change. I had to say yes, to choose life.

I sure will miss coffee.